Grow. Baby. Grow.: june 3rd: i take it ALL back! (photos!)

I am BLESSED! I am BLESSED! I AM BLESSED! So yesterday I posted a long crying rant about "just the TIP" of the stress- iceberg.... And my apologies... UNIVERSE: I TAKE IT ALL BACK!

Yesterday, I FINALLY spoke with a nurse (in 98% perfect English) about what has been going on with Valentina. The last three days Vivi has had a lot of alarms going off related to her breathing, oxygen and then heart rate. And of course, I panic every time. It turns out that there is an actual reason WHY this has been happening... And every time I ask a nurse why, the "she is so tiny" answer is truly not the actual reason, as I suspected. Vivi has a lung infection which is currently being treated with oral antibiotics. THAT would explain all the mucus back up, all the fluid and even traces of blood they have been vacuuming out of her tiny nose and mouth. I am PISSED that no one told me, even though I kept asking, but I am grateful that FINALLY a nurse spoke at length with me about what is going on with my baby.

But let's back up...

When I finally arrived to the hospital yesterday, I first scrub in and get my hospital gown/ bib on. And I take a deep breath and look at all off Valentina's monitors. I check the oxygen saturation level, the heart rate etc... Then I look at my baby underneath her birdcage cover, and for a second I was shocked. I was afraid she looked swollen! No Mama... your baby is getting bigger!! And for the first time, I saw it! You know how when you see someone/ something every day, it is heard to notice the subtle differences day by day? Exactly like that.... I ran over to her charts and checked her weight... 890 grams!! I am not putting my full faith in the exact weight anymore, as the scales can be off again, but baby is roughly 1.92 lbs!!! We are almost one kilogram, or 2.2 lbs!!! I know we have a looong way to go, but I am so proud of my tiny baby! And she looks so pretty!!! She has tiny chubby cheeks and a miniature double chin! We are on the way!!

Anyhow, so I sat and read and talked to Valentina all afternoon. I took a break to pump some milk (I will have to write a long post about this one too...) and headed back into the NICU. Since I ate lunch at 12, right before I left for the hospital, I wasn't concerned about eating. I know mama's nutrition is a huge part in breast feeding and milk supply, so I really need to be better about it, but I was just so damn content sitting with my little heart all afternoon, I kinda forgot to eat/ take care of me...

I was planning on leaving the hospital around 6:15, after they change her diaper, vacuum, clean her up for the evening. The nurse asked me if I wanted to change her, and I jumped at my first diaper change! (Last time, Victor changed her, I was to nervous.) So, I washed my hands for the millionth time, and started to wipe her tiny bum. Then she squirted. It turns out, our little Vivi has a tendency to squirt her healthy bowl movements out and across her incubator... Bright yellow (because of her liquid vitamins) baby turds. Ah-ma-zing. LOL Because of Vivi's air pump into her tiny nose, combined with how much she enjoys opening her mouth and sticking out her tongue, air gets trapped in her belly and ultimately makes her gassy. But because she is too tiny to sort it out for herself, you have to actually squeeze and massage the air out of her belly. This results in yellow explosions. Not to get graphic here, just being honest.... So... the tiny kid was a mess. The nurse gave me some almond oil to lube up my hands, and taught me four different types of belly massages, to help get the air out (particularly when she is wearing a diaper... HAH!!) This was the most "hands on" time I have had with my baby so far! She was pretty happy and calm to have her belly massaged and it was really emotionally intense for me to be actually physically caring for my baby for the first time.

Then the nurse cleaned her up, readjusted her oxygen mask/ hat and it was time to change all of her linens, as they were kinda gross.... The nurse, Patricia asked me if I wanted to hold her. I was supposed to be home, pumping breast milk and eating. This is MY life-sustaining necessities. But I JUMPED at the chance... I held Valentina for 2 hours up against my chest. I read to her. I talked to her. I didn't cry once... Everything I was worried about, stressed about, melted away. Everything I bitched about yesterday was non-existent. I couldn't help but laugh when she was moving her tiny hands and feet against my skin, tickling me. And I thought I was going to die and go to heaven when she stuck out her tiny tongue and licked me. It was amazing. By 9:15, I knew it was time to go even though I could have stayed there all night, if possible. If I was smart, and had a bite to eat around 6 and pumped before I sat down, I could have stayed there until midnight holding my sweet baby... But by 9, my chest hurt, telling me it is TIME to pump and I hadn't eating anything since noon... No bueno...

So yeah... That was how yesterday turned out for me... A really, really good day.

And now, what you've REALLY been waiting for..... <3