thank you wasted rita

thank you wasted rita for throughly expressing exactly how we feel about 2012.

ps.  check out http://www.wastedrita.com/
cos rita is RAD.

happy new year: part 2

So I didn't really get a chance to finish my thoughts this morning, and just posted.  Victor asked me this afternoon, why I wrote what I wrote... Sorta like... Where did that come from????  

It came from the rest of the train of thought... Which now has been derailed....  But I guess I will try to pull it all back to center:  why was I blabbering on about 2008 and my existential breakdown. 

It is New Years Day.  And when I think about New Years of the past...  I think of some of the best and some of the worst times... I don't mean the parties, the booze & fun, etc.. I think of how the year's end can give you that sentimental sweetness of "where I've been" this year, and the hopefulness of what the future brings.  The inspiration to bravely push yourself out of your comfort zone, your slightly older, slightly chubbier, slightly less-inspired self....  And put your best self forward for the new year.  

I am a sentimental person... though I have really tried in these last few years, to get rid of the knickknacks that cluttered my life.   And I have been pretty successful with this.  And in these last few years, I have also consciously tried to make some life plans and goals, and keep them in mind throughout the year, in attempts to really "stick with it" and achieve.  I need to write things down.  I need Post-Its in my life.  I LIKE New Years Resolutions.  I am not saying that I want to change a lot about my life, that's not why I like resolutions.  But more so that I like to make sure I get out there and do the things I say I wanna do, back my mouth up!  I have so many big ideas, big dreams, that I get carried away.  I forget a lot of the times.  I get sidetracked.  (you may have noticed....) 

By the way, this is the third attempt I have made to finish this post, finish this thought that I started at 10 AM.... It is now 7 PM..... Life of a Mama...

So where did this whole long, blubbery, retrograde reflection come from?  It came from the New Years List of Resolutions 2013 that I am still working on.  I will post in a few days... Among my many, many resolutions this year:  post often.  Even if its just a little ditty.  I want to write more, both bloggy stuff, personal essays, oh oho h remember when I used to write poe-uh-try???  Political rants and ravings???  One of my New Years Resolutions is to write a book this year.  Actually, I have the basis already written:  YOu all have been reading it for the last year... I think about my senior year at Ithaca College... I took this super RAD art course:  Book Making.  Best. Course. Ever.  I've decided I want to make Valentina a book about her birth...  But I wanna make a POP UP BOOK!  YESSS!!!  More on this in a few days.

And photos.  Lots and lots of baby Valentina photos... 

Happy New Year.

xoxx.

jax.  

happy new year!!

OH I think we are ALL thrilled that 2012 is over...  It was certainly a really hard one for us...  And while I could review all the bad... It's a new year to start afresh, focus on the positive and head towards better times.  I am HUGE on New Years Resolutions (and I stick with them for the most part!!) so my list is coming!   

I know I have been an absolutely horribly lazy blogger lately... But with the holidays, you know.... yaddahyaddahyaddah...  I baked/ made a lot of Christmas presents this year, and naturally, I was so busy I didn't photograph anything until it was too late.  I decorated the house quite nicely, I rearranged our living room (including a brand new gorgeous chocolatey shaggy carpet, I reorganized all of our paperwork for the past year for our next years IRS (HUGE POINTS for this one).  This was a huge undertaking, as it was beautiful and perfect for a long while, until BAM I was in the hospital, and then at the hospital with the baby for three months.. then distracted by baby for the rest of the year... I finally got it under control...  With the exception of the last week's receipts... Which reminds me....  mMmMMM........

***
LET'S BACKTRACK A BIT

Back in 2007, as the year was coming to a close, I was having a Young- Life- Crisis.  Actually, it was more than that.... It was more of what I extensively wrote about as being my Full Blown Existential Crisis.  I was a mess.  I finished my BA from Ithaca College (Politics- History- Latin American Studies), yes I am quite well educated despite my overuse of the F word... Sorry Mom...   I had just moved back from living in Downtown Los Angeles, I had my first real heartbreak the year before and it royally rocked my world in all the worst sort of ways, I wasn't quite ready to "buckle down" to go back to school yet, I was partying WAAYYY too hard... And I had no idea where I wanted to go/ do/ be.

So, tail between my legs, I moved back home to my parents' house, in Westchester County, NY.  A fate worse than death in my mind...  I had left home at 18, and had not been home for longer than 3 weeks for the next 6.5 years.  Westchester felt like the most stifling, style-cramping, oppressive, conservative, life-suck.  At the time, all my friends from high school were gone, far- far away... My booze & fun friends in the great NYC were mentally "off-limits" to me and I felt really crash-burn-blownout-destroyed-dead-tired.  Like I said, I was pretty lost.  It wasn't so much a dark period of my life, but just more of a wash for awhile.  I was really, really all over the map, emotionally.  I need to make one big distinction though here, that I think was crucial to my... recovery... regeneration of identity....  breaking out of my breakdown?  My parents' house and property were and still are a safe haven.  From our wedding photos, you can see how gorgeous it is, but it's more than just that.  The property itself I swear has healing spirits or some groovy sh*t...  And the well water.... It can cure anything that ails you....  Mind.Body.Soul.  

When I rag on "home" I mostly mean coming home to Westchester County.  There were a few instances where my booze and fun partying happy times became more of a belligerent display of my pent-up aggression (I was kicked out of a few bars for fighting.... IMAGINE THAT... LIL ol' me!!)   And I was also kicked out of bars- stone-cold sober- because I was HAPPY and misconstrued for being drunk because I had some much HAPPY/ laughing/ yelling/ bigness coming out of me.  Does that make sense?  Yes, I was cut off at the Pub once around this time, no joke... SOBER.  (No, Lars was not bartending that night, for those of you who know....  HE would NEVER cut me off... :D)    

ANyhow, I digress.. My point is, is that I recognized that I needed some major changes... And my New Years 2007- 2008 was possibly the lowest of my lows, once I moved back to Westchester.  It wasn't so much that NYE was a bad night. in fact, it was the night before that was the issue...  NYE started for me around 5 pm, when Stuart picked me up at the train station, to drive me to another Westchester train station to get my car...  And while I won't elaborate on that particular evening that included a Rangers game, lots of whiskey, Brooklyn, headbutting, and getting on the wrong train line out of NYC and ending up in Harlem with no cell phone, no money and Aunt Martha just letting me switch trains without saying anything... Stuart picked me up on the side of the road with nothing to show for myself, but a cold, egg sandwich in a brown paper bag.   (Yes, that was the abridged version, believe it or not.) So I spent NYE 2007-2008 in my parents' bed, eating popcorn and snuggling Dapper Dan, my parents' Other Child, a dapple coat mini- dachshund.  

New Years Day:  200GR8.  (Yes... I called it Two-Thousand-Great.)  I went for a run.  Oh I was such a mess.  It was snowing, beautiful, quiet, giant- flaked silence.  And then there was me:  huffing, puffing, sweating, cursing, crying... A true horrorshow on the side of the road, working through mountains of existential crisis inside myself.  And while I only ran about 3 miles that day (my old running loop), I really reset a huge chunk of my soul.  I got home, stuck my face under the faucet, and blasted my insides with frigid!!! well water, and began what I can only think of as a true purification process of my whole life.  That week, I wrote a 6 page list of New Years Resolutions.  And while 2008 started out strong, and it ended with another 6 months of BAD decisions, it ultimately set me on the road to the first BEST year of my life:  2009.  

I wrote A LOT in 2008.  I ran a lot.  I worked through the tail-end of my post-adolescent/ early adulthood stage of my life and bit and fought and screamed and bled... I clawed my way into the next phase of my life:  Adulthood.  And while my own sense of self and identity is still growing, evolving, changing, I look to that 2007 to mid- 2009 period in my life to where the best/worst/biggest changes happened....  And while I am still pretty existential from time to time, definitely nuts, insecure, way-too-rigid, throughly immature, etc.etc.etc....  I feel like I really grew up inside myself.  

I met Victor July 26th, 2009.  THAT was the most defining moment of my new sense of adulthood.  I  am a firm believer in the idea that when you are ready for good things to happen, only then will they come.  2008 was the best/worst year for me.  A LOT of growing pains.  2009 had a lot of drama too.  But the way it all added up, I wouldn't change a thing.  It rung my bells and really reworked a lot of BS inside of me that I had to deal with.  We are talking about my head, my unsolved issues with myself, my family, working, my education, past relationships, friendships and ex-friendships, oh god you name it, it was all wrapped in there, in that year and a half before I met Victor.  Literally the WEEK we met, I was still having epiphanies that were life-changing.  THat may seem seriously dramatic, but I had an Ah-Ha Moment, just before I met him, that I swear.swear.swear:  cross- my- heart- hope- to- die, is the reason I MET HIM.  When your heart and your head are finally ready, the universe will give you exactly what you want and need  And I got him.  And I got my future.  Which is now, just my happy. good. blessed. life.

***

I KNOW this is not the typical Grow.Baby.Grow post you were expecting...  AHhem lots of Christmas photos coming soon!  But I had to kinda... clear the air.  Clear my head.  Clear my heart:  2013.  Let's go.

Coming soon:

Valentina:  December in review, US Passport!,  Baby's first Christmas, lots of photos and milestones.

My Resolutions:  I feel it is time for another 6 page list.

***

I had intended to write a lot more right now, but the baby is awake... So I am going to grab my phone and record her "Good Morning Face."  It is amazing....  Will share shortly...

Disclaimer:  I am not editing this post:  Just write and Publish.  My apologies if it is scattered... I wanna catch baby-wake-up face!!

xoxoox